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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

MB -Raw


-“OK” she said to him. He was mad because she had been telling people about him. She said, “It's fiction, nobody believes it unless they already know. And if they know, then they are allies. So whats the big deal?” He muttered trying to figure out what she just said.
Astrid looked at him. Trying to formulate the right question so she could proceed, “Do you remember “Highlander' , the TV show? 'There can be only One.'? “ He looked up. “Yeah” he rm

“Only 'there can be only one' means 'all of us - together” she said, with a question at the end, searching his eyes for understanding. A glimmer. Small. But a glimmer.

She sees the blue orbs Helpers are on the edge of the veil. . He is allowing some communication but his waking mind, ruled still by the ego, captures Agitates the fear, like dirty bubbles it froths into anger at the grief beneath the surface of his waking world. How can he straddle the change and still be in the game? His mind can't figure it out on the level he is trying to find the solution in. She feels like she is playing quidich. In a Harry Potter novel. She aims again while avoiding energetic attacks. “ You gotta dream it up first. Then ask. Release. “ “I don't know how to explain it and you are pissing me off . I can't do this today “ she yells as if she wants to spank God for trying to get her to formulate her knowing into words. She would rather just float with it without words.
She's wanting a whip, snap. Getmup moveem out. Rawhide.
3DShe gets out of her chair where she had been Meditating or what ever . She figures most would say its a day dream OK she thought daydream meditation. What the Hell? Him again. “Why was I so mad at him?”

Then he went missing. She made an effort not to conjure him and it was like a vacation.
Then the world seemed like it was breaking apart for her . Car, dishwasher and oven. She wonders why at certain times things came in intense waves Then she looks at the moonlight on the water. A storm was brewing. The seagulls were in the field.

Feeling the collective shiver she wrapped a blanket tight around her shoulders.. Sleep. Slumber Cold Water. She looked out to the moonlight on the waves. Like a broken path the moonlight beckoned. A siren in the rocks. Away away. She took a breath . She had to go to work at the Ruby Shore Grocery. She couldn't think bigger today. She had to deal with people. She was feeling-flinchy and really sensitive. .

Once she got to the store. She was kind of glad to see everyone who worked there. Ahh, they bought her a birthday card. She had forgotten that it was her own birthday. Geeze.

Work brought her back to Earth. She felt like she had to appear normal. Not gasp when she felt a bolt of energy wham her in the gut. Not turn around every time she felt someones gaze. She couldn't talk about feeling like she was always underwater with currents and jetties flowing past and through her. She couldn't talk about her assignment in the other realms. Work was good structure. She had to learn to manage the public force, Pretend like she and everyone else was normal. "Thems the rules" she thought.

She was practicing looking at people without trying to fix them. You know, someone with a limp and she felt bad for them.

"I am not in the flow for this at all I want to write with wings and not be tethered" Astrid wrote in her journal when she got home from the Grocery. .She was angry at every one. No she didn't want to go out to eat. She wanted to be alone. Always wanted to be alone. Kind of odd, she thought. but she liked her connections to be superficial, except with a few people that she trusted her life to she was suspicious that someone would hurt her deeply. So she ran instead of standing like a flower with a smile. She would scowl at a man she was attracted to and then get animated with men she just knew. She kind of wondered if she would ever get over that? Someone would have to see her gig in order to love her. That she knew. And so far she hadn't felt safe, kindred But she liked the freedom of aloneness and wondered if she could absorb another into her life. She'd done it before and has battle scars and bruises still. Aimed at her heart, Yes it had been broken and No it did not mend. Remnants of ripped flesh is how she still feels. She doesn't understand how she could pray and pray and pray with know remark or sign or angels. Only desolation. So she moved West. As West as she could. She loved it in Seaside. She had a cat, Whiskers. He came with the cabin. The women had died leaving the cabin and the cat, to be sold fast to give her only son the cash. Astrid felt she had lucked out with it and was glad to have a cat, finally.She figured out her desolation brought fer there and that was good - even great. She loved watching the waves the pelicans and gulls surfing on the wind above the waves. She felt a force there. It made her feel sane for the first time in her life.