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Monday, November 21, 2011

Little Flower

Floating next to my ear
a little flower
It is a disguise for some of the most foreboding energies I have had to deal with.
Big energy wrinkled and monstrous. They are looking at me with a curiosity
as I argue that they have no domain in this sphere of my life on this planet- Earth.

The great deceivers of Humanity- they grumble and fret; Where will they be welcomed if they don't make the shift? They have no place but Hell to go - because everywhere else in the Multi-verse says stay away - infected ones.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

No sound - I still laughed

Testimony of a Bad Man


Some might say that I am here to bring the light
Out of the darkness
it springs

If we get down to the soul -now that I am dead- I chose darkness because of a cowardice that crept into my life at a young age

The wound was deep
thousands of miles in a mind shaft I fell
as I was pushed to perform
The smiles were for the others
She wouldn't smile unless others were looking at her. A wooden crazed smile I see today In my memory
I ask this night If memories are really real or are they like dreams? I am dead now. At least I find myself reflecting on that body which lays in a filtered Haze Why? neutrality.a golden shirt memory. a happy time when I was ten. The rest a torture of structure, unflinching demands.

I have a memory of looking in the mirror and seeing her teeth - not in joy but in hunger to draw blood from me. Her fangs, Me cruel like her, how else could I survive? Deep down I knew I had to become her system, Her as a male only bigger. On a global scale. A thirst to be the only one who can do anything to anybody. Feeding on fear I was carnivorous only now do I understand its folly. Only now do I feel my dear friends shriveled bodies= those who I called my enemy I know now were my teachers, my healers, my community I let them die for my thirst for power over all things. Only now do I know the folly of the lie . the reflective nature of man is imprinted with fear and lies. .Forgiveness melts=>Like water on the wicked witch

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The "Mundane"

I am turning turning turning
like a coil
taste the salt in the air
the other taste- ignore

Looking for beauty
me with my little girl me
being coxed to heal
the cowgirl tomboy
hula hoop swamp girl
lucky they let me out to play

I am looking at the rebel me
always set
know it all strident
with a seagull laugh sometimes
diving in like an otter at play
can I be who I am instead of wounds and scars
confused little girl praying out-loud?

- frozen state -
blame, history , cellular memories
pointing the finger
restricting the heart
over there over there cut hack division
all buried under
in the place where it spits out my life
forgiveness is the balm the factor the promise

Monday, November 7, 2011


Always always always I have this feeling of guilt - like I have done something wrong- or bad- and people won't believe me. It is nonsense. I am sloppy yes but I do not hurt people intentionally or lie intentionally. though yesterday I said I had lived here twenty years when it has been thirty not thinking when I answered but then I thought they would think I was lieing and started spinning about that. I TALKED With Charlie Silverman from the prosecutor's office I wish Silverman was the prosecutor. He thinks that Forrest should have left when Kristian was bantering-as Forrest probably used inappropriate slang with Silverman and probably said that they were "talking shit" to each other. Silverman is not going to charge Jacob Hansen. So I need to talk to the kid. ...
but back to Science or Mind (and Spirit)
So first I claim there is one God which is a Unified Field and that Infinite Field Permeates Everything. God Moved and became aware of itself. Created a system of unlimited creation.
All things are made of God, who allows for everything. Goodness Love Intelligence are divine aspects. We choose our alignment with spirit. We co create with the all that is when we allign.
Unlimited choices at the same time binary in the moment. Fear or Love. I am connected to spirit. Love is my nature. I choose to forgive myself and melt the guilt that has haunted me all of my life. I am a child of God. I am protected by God and his companions, who serve him. Freedom is Gods Nature. Freedom is my nature. Joy is my nature. I allow anybody else's thoughts or energy that I have mistakenly absorbed go. I am free. I am good. I am forgiven.
All pf the mountains of energy that has bound me are being released now. I say move, Mountains. All doubt is removed from this time-frame and all time-frames of my existences of my individualized self. All lies are removed from my field. I am One with God.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Mental/.Emotional Tornados

the intensity of worry is mind boggling, like jealousy it swings rapidly out of control.

I've been reading the science of mind. Studying it. I have been going through a 'Transformational Coaching series and doing the Artist's Way with Katrien and Beth.and I feel more screwed up than ever. My emotions are torrents,and they leave a residue of ick, when they are on fire like they are today. I hope they are purging me of my wounds and programmed reactions.`

Let me attempt to mention the main precepts that Ernest Holmes writes about in the Science of Mind (and Spirit)

April twelvue twenty thirteen ten fifty eight am back from floods
I hate to say it but they are back. ... the scary ones, ruthless, insanely programmed...I try not to look to lock eyes to read plates its like me not looking at the sky... any how any who being of good cheer even after looking at since dutchlll that is why I writelll the tornadoes over Maryland station Mary land.... DC connection...always rail bridges come up when I look towards Maryland...
We can postulate three levels of interaction

: Conscious Mind- the great I Am. A proclamation . Then, our Subconscious or Subjective takes the order and molds the source and substance according to what our thoughts and emotions are emitting. The Subjective is the servant to source and we are emissaries for and to the Source..Connect to the Unity which breeds diversity as a sublime creative unity. All Humans are children of God. People reflect,.thats why we are so easily programmed. Holmes uses the term, 'race consciousness' where Jung would say 'collective consciousness'.

Fire on the Mountain

My laptop took a spill so I got my desktop somewhat fixed.

I've been trying to focus and study my thinking and my emotions.
I am going through an eight week coaching process
by having dialogue with the Somatic Self, the unconscious patterns that make up the recipe for my life. Having family members die suddenly has dented and warped my belief in this life.

I dropped Forrest off at Ian's around one fifteen pm November 4, Friday, and I haven't heard from him since. If I had not been a banshee after Forrest got punched and hospitalized with traumatic brain injury (the end of August) I would call the Sheriff's office. I haven't been sleeping much either nights, ?This pacing feeling in me. Like I am caged and something awful has happened. I keep having different male energy in my space, energy that I don't recognise, some is familiar.

Part of me soothes myself, by studying the Science of Mind, and trying to think healing thoughts so I can have healing energy and send it to him. Part of me thinks he's off Island, with friends and part of me thinks he's been kidnapped or is laying in a ditch somewhere or more likely arrested and games of withholding telephone calls. or some vivid and horrible worry.
With Mars conjunct my natal Pluto (Forrest is an Aries and so is Ceily) Uranus trine Uranus, Jupiter Trine Jupiter, and Neptune trine Neptune, I would expect it to be intense but I want it to be intense in a good way instead of being swept away by the potential for grief of the highest magnitude. , I am sure all will pan out and all is well but for now I am swept away with conflicting emotions.

Last week, I had a vivid dream of a fire raging like explosions coming at my house, down from a mountain at me, less than a block away, I could hear the helicopters and a roar of loudspeakers and I was on the deck saying to my Mom to Pray for us and that I was going to go hose off the decks.
Then on Wednesday night, the Owl standing in the middle of the road, the duck standing in the road of Friday ( a coot) and young bucks everywhere on the side of the roads. This is now my journal. Not going to go much further than my own life in it for now